The Timeless Humour of the Retarded Right

Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas governor, failed Republican presidential candidate, creationist, and general fuckwad adds "merry jokester" to his list of attributes. Addressing a group of slack-jawed yokels at an NRA convention, Huckabee adlibbed this pearl in repsonse to an unexpected offstage noise:

“That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he's getting ready to speak,” said the former Arkansas governor, to audience laughter. Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.”

Huh? What does that even mean? You see, aside from the general crassness of "joking" about shooting Barack Obama, Huckabee perfectly demonstrates another curious quality of right-wing humour; namely that it's not in the least bit funny.
Watch the hilarity below...and try to control your laughter.

This Horse Race Is Over

From Wonkette, perhaps the most fitting metaphor for Hillary's doomed (and increasingly annoying) campaign.

JESUS, WHERE TO BEGIN: Hillary Clinton's pick to win horse racing's Kentucky Derby, Eight Belles — the only female horse in the race — finished second, broke both front ankles, and subsequently was put to death on the track. The first place horse was "Big Brown." Go nuts.

Ezra Levant: Save the Oil Companies!

Uncle Ezra, acclaimed wingnut and co-founder of the failed fishwrapping Western (Sub)Standard, has this to say about the environmental tragedy in the Syncrude sesspools:

I can’t believe that 500 ducks were wasted that way. Imagine all the lost foie gras (though optimistic scientists have said five of the ducks can be saved). And it’s not just a blow to fine dining. How many Turducken connoisseurs will now have to make do with turkey stuffed just with chicken? How many restaurants will go without their signature dish, Peking Duck – another devious scheme by the Dalai Lama to embarrass the Beijing Olympics?
...Save the ducks? Sure. But I’d rather liberate Saudi women, save Russian democracy, or stop Nigerian theft of foreign aid.

Why these lofty goals need necessarily exclude responsible domestic environmental policy is anyone's guess. But I guess it's that type of advanced thinking that led the Western (Sub) Standard to such lofty heights. And one of Ezra's commenters, "Jon", nicely sums up the conservative position:

But I agree with your point. Save Canadian oil companies! Keep them profitable.

Jon 05.02.08 - 11:50 pm

Maybe Zimbabwe Can Monitor Our Next Elections?

According to Emperor Harper, things are just so rotten with Elections Canada, that our own government was today unable to support a motion expressing confidence in the institution. In case it needs clarifying, the Conservatives are rapidly becoming a daily joke.
Nevermind the fact that a motion in support of a Canadian federal institution was initiated by the separatist Bloc Quebecois - bizarre in and of itself. What does it say about the petty vindictiveness and arrogance of the CPC when they declare they don't have confidence in the very body that certified their own election to government?

Ignatieff noted other parties have had their share of disputes with Elections Canada over the years and acknowledged that the agency is "not infallible." Nevertheless, he said it deserves to be respected and supported and he called the Conservatives' refusal to do so "shameful" and "dangerous."
"They are the anchor of our democracy," Ignatieff said. Harper responded by saying his party has "followed all the laws" and guidelines "that have been used for years, allowed by Elections Canada, and used by every single party."

Uh huh. So, let me get this straight. The Conservatives have no confidence in Elections Canada. In fact, they're taking them to court. Yet their defense for the In & Out scandal is that they did nothing wrong, because they followed all of the rules used by Elections Canada - the institution in which they have no confidence. I'm sure it all makes perfect sense in the magical mystery world of Stephen Harper, the Patron Saint of Perpetual Victimization.

Update: Today's Dr. Roy-ism is - wait for it - "Coonfidence", a term likely to offend everyone from English professors to Jesse Jackson.

Bill Moyers, Jeremiah Wright, and Dr. Roy's "Anericans"

Watch the video clip of Bill Moyers interviewing Reverend Jeremiah Wright, and decide for yourself if Wright is the crazy, racist, unpatriotic zealot that the right-wing swiftboaters and shameless media pundits have made him out to be.
The despicable Bill O'Reilly has said of Wright: "As you may know, Reverend Wright was Barack Obama's pastor for 20 years. We now have proven beyond a reasonable doubt he is an anti-American guy and there's no question about it."
A few observations:
1. After watching the entire interview with Moyers, it is clear to me that Wright is a reasonable, well educated, and well-intentioned individual. He has a passion for preaching that has, on occasion, led him to say some incendiary things to his congregation. But he strikes me neither as racist nor as "Anti-American", whatever that's supposed to mean.
2. Why is Barack Obama being made to answer for the comments of his former pastor?
3. If some decision has been made that politicians are to be held accountable for comments made by those who endorse them, where is the media scrutiny over John Hagee? John "Free Ride" McCain has been relatively fellated by the media and by nutsacks like O'Reilly, Rove and Hannity, despite his endorsement by Hagee, a man who by all accounts is as batshit crazy as they come.

4. Finally, in true form, Dr. Roy misspells his way through another feast from Karl Rove's anus. God Bless "Anerica".

The Affidavit Gong Show

If you're the legal type, the infamous affidavits can be viewed here and here. I must confess, I tried reading through them, but got bogged down pretty quickly. I guess I don't have the stomach for all that legalese. But we all get the gist of the documents: the Conservatives are accused of playing fast and loose with election campaign financing rules to the tune of just over 1 million dollars.

What I find infinitely more interesting than the nuts and bolts of the "In & Out" scam is the haphazard and completely inept way the Conservatives dealt with whole thing. It was emblematic of the way they have handled pretty much every bump in the road since they've been in office.

Running a press conference should be a pretty straightforward exercise. Here's how most people would do it:

1. Announce a press conference

2. Show up, deliver your message, field some questions from the media

3. Leave, preferably via the front door.

Here's how the Conservatives decided to play it:

1. Spend a few days dodging questions in the House of Commons

Opposition: Can we see the warrant?

James Moore/Peter VanLoan: We don't have the affidavits.

Opposition: Um ok. How 'bout the warrant?

James Moore/Peter VanLoan: I told you, we don't have the affidavits.

Opposition: W-A-R-R-A-N-T?

James Moore/Peter VanLoan: [long pause]....Adscam!

2. Finally decide to release the affidavits...but only to selected CPoC-friendly journalists

3. Act surprised that word of the private invitations spread

4. Hastily change the venue of the private spin-doctoring session at the last minute

5. Act surprised when the media finds out about the new location

6. Call the whole thing off halfway through

7. Escape down a fire exit

These are the same assclowns who are responsible for governing our nation. Collectively, we should all be very afraid...no matter what's in the affidavits.

The GST Cut: Thanks for Nothing

We all know the Conservatives would sell their mothers down the river if it would buy them a few more votes. In fact, "Canada's New Government" has repeatedly abandoned supposedly "conservative" principles in order to advance a more populist agenda. Chief amongst these moves was their commitment to reducing the GST. The economic benefits of the plan were dubious at best, but it sure made for good election campaign fodder. CBC Marketplace has an interesting little piece on the much ballyhooed GST cut, and who the real beneficiaries are (hint: it's not you or me).
*Skip to about 02:50 in the video above for the GST story.